Drink -short story

Drink
19 Feb. 07 (edited 10 March, 19 March, 27 March)

When is drinking during the day officially ‘during the day’? Beth had heard that drinking before noon was too early, but she thought eleven thirty was not unheard of as a lunch time and who didn't drink a couple with lunch? At three in the afternoon on a day in November, a doctor in Birkenstocks told Beth she was pregnant. Her eyes held small pools of water. She was now both pregnant and sloshed (wasted, fucked, tanked).

She drove home through the rain, willing her eyes to focus on the road ahead. The drive was not very long, but the winding roads of upstate New York were never an easy navigation. Rain came down faster and more plentiful as she pulled into a spare space on her street. If she got out now she would be soaked, but the run across the street to her building was a quick one. She put out her cigarette in the ash tray of the car and prepped herself. She looked out the window and opened the door quickly for an easy escape. Halfway across the road, she was hit by a red truck.

When Beth was a child her mother used to drop her off at the mall to see her friends every Saturday afternoon. But Beth didn’t have any friends to meet. She would use her babysitting money to go to the movie theatre, buy candy and a soda, and after the first movie she would sneak into a second one. This gave her between thirty minutes and an hour to look through the stores afterward. Having used up her money on the movie, she would sneak some small pen or Hello Kitty notepad into her pocket. When her mom arrived to pick her up at night, she would fail to notice the trinket Beth had pulled out of her pocket for cover, and would launch into what her boyfriend of the time had done to make her mad.

That was when she was growing up in Idaho. The spare landscape had comforted her when she felt happy in her isolation, but when she was depressed and felt all was unjust, which was most of the time, she felt the landscape choking her. Beth determined to get out. She knew from her mother’s example that men made you lose your self, your freedom and your chances at a good future. School was her ticket to the world, away from a friendless existence and a sure entrance into a college far, far away.

In high school, she didn't stay away from all men exactly as planned. Because of her young years, Beth had a strong feeling and memory of her past that coupled uncomfortably with a feeling that something was missing, or was not quite 3-D enough to be tactile. Things could be unjust, but she had no warning of the insidiousness of life. She did not yet know that you could be raped and robbed and then be expected to carry on as normal. She had not yet discovered that the world held so much freedom that the first understanding of its void could make her cry with terror.

Her first boyfriend had waited two months to ask her if she would do him a favor, as he called it. Perhaps it was a strange Idaho-ian idiom, but she was asked several times to do several boys a favor. Eventually, they had stopped waiting and could see it on her, the desire to nullify her potential with behavior she deplored, and just started to push her head down. She closed her eyes and did what they wanted. It didn’t make her feel powerful like some of her classmates had said in the locker rooms. It just was and she had the rest of her life to feel disgusting and embarrassed about it. Now she could feel nothing.

Beth continued in this same way, successfully avoiding love in all its forms. She had been infatuated several times, but was careful to stay away from potential entrapment. And so she graduated high school as a National Merit Finalist, a Presidential Scholar, editor of the student newspaper, Supreme Holder of All Awards that made you Smart!, and went to college on a scholarship.

College was different, just as she'd hoped. But there were a few things she hadn't counted on. She met people who were smart like her, but who had Families. They cared what their parents thought of them. Beth felt like she was hopping around on one leg when she walked to campus with her friends. They had discussions about having to ask their parents for money for new clothes and Beth could not respond to their world. The isolation started to come back. Upstate New York wasn't all that different from Idaho. Small towns and farm land back to back to back.

She started to drink more than her friends at every party. She took the drugs that cute boys gave her and was consoled by the thought they were gifts. The frat boys would joke that she came pretty cheap if you got to her drunk enough. It was all a journey and there was no permanence. Beth never knew what they said about her but she was starting to see it in the mirror anyway. The muscles in her face had changed and she didn't have the crooked smile that was more of a smirk that had made everyone smile back. The mirror showed her a Vaseline-teethed smile with frightened and stoned eyes.

"Beth, what are you doing in there?" yelled Sara through the bathroom door.
"One sec'. Sorry I was tweezing," Beth yelled back.
She gathered her pajamas and opened the door covered in two towels. She was shaken by what she'd seen in the mirror, but was used to keeping it to herself.
"Ah, I'm gonna be late for class," she said too close to Sara's face. Sara tipped her head back from the force of the alcohol still on Beth's breath and side-stepped into the bathroom with a wan smile on her face.
"Figures," she mumbled under her breath.
Beth went to her room, unaware of having any effect. She went through her make-up and clothing routine and checked her email before realizing she wouldn't make it to class. She decided instead to get some coffee from the canteen. She noticed that she was increasingly less concerned with what time it was and what she was supposed to be doing with her days.

At the coffee shop, one of her friends of a friend tapped her on the shoulder while she was in line. She turned around and her face broke into an unnatural cheerleader smile.
"Oh hi Brett, how's things?"
"S'okay. You up for the party tonight?" Brett asked with a grin.
"Is Danny going to be there?" she asked after their friend in common.
"Mos definitely," he semi-slurred.
"Alright, I'll see you then," she smiled and turned away.
"Or," he tapped again," we could hang out if you'd like. Unless you've got class or something. You wanna blaze at the Plantations?"
Beth thought she probably wouldn't do anything that afternoon anyways, so she agreed to the three mile drive out to the agricultural school to smoke in the acres of cultivated land called the Plantations. When they arrived, Brett parked the car and got out saying, "Gimme a minute." He called someone on his cell phone.
"Danny's coming to meet us," he said after he opened her side door.
Beth felt relieved and realized she had been tense the whole ride up. What did she really know about this guy anyways. They walked to the woods and down the gorge to the river rocks. Brett rolled and they smoked. He pulled a flask out of his pocket and handed it to Beth.
"You want some?"
"What is it?"
"You'll like it."
"Don't you want to drink any?"
"I already have."
"Okay. Sure."
She took the flask and sipped the whisky without flinching. She suddenly remembered when she had hated whisky; it wasn't very long ago.
"Hey guys," said Danny, sneaking up behind them. Beth had a crush on Danny, but they had always had a casual relationship. Beth would flirt with Danny but no more because he had a girlfriend. It was the last of her rules.

"Let's go exploring down the stream," said Danny. They all got up and walked down the stream. Rocky terrain and a light drizzle increased the dizzy feeling in Beth's head as she followed Danny with Brett behind. It felt like they had been walking for hours, but she thought the pot and whisky had a lot to do with her increasing confusion. When the sun started going down and she realized they'd been walking for over an hour without talking, she said, "Let's rest for a bit."

She was surprised to find the boys quick to acquiesce and they stopped. Danny asked if they wanted a drink and unzipped his backpack to show the cans of beer he'd brought. Beth still wasn't feeling clear headed but agreed to a beer. She wondered how they would get back to the party. The three of them sat quietly on the rocks for a while.

"Let's play a game," said Brett. "How about 'Have you ever'." Brett and Danny smiled at each other. Beth was happy to do something other than walk. They all stood up, but she promptly sat back down. Something was wrong with her head. She wasn't getting sober. She couldn't remember what being sober felt like. They played the game somehow and she tried to respond to what they were saying and the night got darker. Beth couldn't remember why she was there.

Danny took a condom from his pocket, ripped it and put it on. "Turn around," he said to Beth. She turned to the rock face and Danny lifted her shirt from behind. He grasped her to him quickly and pulled up her skirt, entering her before she had a second to protest. Brett walked up to them and got between Beth and the rock, facing her. He pulled her down to him and Danny resituated himself on top of her from behind. They entered her simultaneously and Beth concentrated on not behind sick. She didn't like Brett and said to Danny, "I only wanted you." It wasn't the strong protest she had expected. She realized she was in shock; she couldn't feel anything. They continued on with her and she let them, thinking back to her days in high school and since. She was paralyzed with fear. She didn't know this could happen, she didn't know what to do or who would hear her scream. She realized that this had been the plan. And she waited for it to be over. Now they wanted her to suck them, with her juices still on their condoms. She ran. Naked except for her bra and skirt, she ran down the rain-risen stream for what felt like miles. When she stopped, she threw up and passed out.

When Beth looked out the window and onto the rain covered road, she had seen the red truck and the water cloud it was making as it sped up the hill.